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Emotions / Behaviour- his or mine?

(9 Posts)
TheHollyandTheIvy12 Tue 19-Dec-17 19:28:11

I'm not sure where his emotions end and mine start sometimes. It gets so tricky to navigate.

DH is a prolific projector. He can talk about it openly and without shame when he's in a good place.

When he's feeling overworked, tired, 'left out' (because he's busy with all his work commitments and can't make things the DC are doing for example) fat and lazy (due to lack of time to get out to exercise) I become the reason, through one way or another, of all his problems, sadness etc etc. He's on anti-depressants and has tried various therapies over the years, so as not to drip feed.

Currently, I am in the line of fire because I don't show him enough affection, never initiate sex (I do, but not in a 'I've got nothing on underneath this coat' sort of way, more a very suggestive cuddle and shift towards him in bed), don't kiss him enough etc etc etc. And yet. Take last week as an example, he tried it on one night, I told him I wasn't feeling it. He told me that was no problem, cheerily kissed me and no pressure was felt by me. The next night, I tried it on with him, we had a lovely passionate dtd. This week (baring in mind it's only Tuesday) he's telling me he's feeling rejected, pissed off at my lack of showing him attention etc etc etc and to quote 'when will this nightmare ever end between us'?

He can take offence really easily and get very sulky, defensive and attacking.

AIBU that he can't handle his own emotions? Can I do more? If so, help a girl out with some tried and tested tips. I don't want to leave him / break up with him because what I'm writing about here is the very dark depths of the negative side to our relationship. We've been together for 20 years, and although not married, I refer to him as my DH and we have a good life with happy kids. I just could do with some perspective. Thanks for reading if you got this far.

Raffles1981 Tue 19-Dec-17 20:27:09

He should maybe look at different kinds of therapy. He needs to take responsibility for his own emotions. Sounds a little like he is gaslighting you. Until he grows up and takes responsibility for him, you will forever be going round in circles. He's already done a number on you, you are asking for tips. This is his issue, not yours.

HandbagCrazy Tue 19-Dec-17 20:35:42

It's his issue. He's stressed and it's much easier to get your frustration out if you're directing it at someone else (you).

When he's in a good place, put a strategy together that you're both happy with and how to deal with this (can be a phrase you say that acknowledges what he's doing and puts the responsibility of his feelings back on to him).

For now I would step back. Don't try and placate him, don't try and make it all ok. Be a little detached and state the obvious things - so when he says about lack of sex / intimacy, just state facts - "really? We had sex on Tuesday" and move on. Or (and this would be my approach but obviously my DH is different to yours), I would make fun of him - so my response would be more along the lines of "oh I know, I thought it was us in bed on Tuesday but must have you muddled with my other husband 🙄"

TheHollyandTheIvy12 Tue 19-Dec-17 20:54:36

Thank you for replying- really do appreciate it.

littletinyme1 Wed 20-Dec-17 02:37:26

'When will this nightmare ever end' LOL it's him and bless you for your patience. Lovely, enjoyable dtd after 20 years together - you've got something good there

Madwoman5 Wed 20-Dec-17 08:24:43

Once he starts or is forced to start, taking responsibility for his own happiness, fitness and time management, instead of it all being about perceived shortfalls, he will stop this behaviour but I would not hold my breath. Do not pander to it. If he is tired, tell him to go to bed. If he is tells you that he is not getting enough attention, ask him how old he is (ie. You are not four, get over yourself). Start having less time to accommodate his behaviours and after one massive hissy fit where it will all be your fault, he will start adulting up.

TheHollyandTheIvy12 Wed 20-Dec-17 08:45:38

Thank you for responding- it really does help!

After a text war last night (as he was out) and a phone call where I very much stood my ground, he has written an apology this morning before he went to work. Amongst other things he did say that it was a mystery to him as to why he took everything out on hopefully he is thinking more about that.

Lotsofsausage Wed 20-Dec-17 08:50:33

Refuse to engage, tell him that you are not the reason for his unhappiness. Tell him his sulking and refusal to take responsibility for his own happiness is exhausting and unattractive -and if he's that unhappy with you then you can talk about separating. You deserve better than living in an emotional minefield. should give him the kick up the arse he needs.

littletinyme1 Wed 20-Dec-17 12:36:21

He probably takes it out on you in the same way our kids do, because he knows you love him. He needs to get into some sort of wellbeing programme so that he can manage his emotions without taking out his frustrations on you. Others will ge able to recommend some or there are loads on the internet.