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Is it okay to try and discourage a couple who are about to try and conceive?

(32 Posts)
Sealsarewaterdogs Wed 20-Dec-17 02:09:55

I'm 25, my partner is 31. We have been together 6 years, lived together for 5. My partner has a wonderful son who's 7, we had shared custody of him until he started school and now we have him every single weekend instead (Fri-Sun) as his mother re-located far away.

I have told a handful of people that I plan to try for a baby starting from January (hoping the child will be born after September (knowing my luck, I won't be successful until December and end up having an August baby anyway ha) - But I'm going to still try!

I've just had negative comments from the 4 people I've told, except from my Mum (who's over-joyed).

No one's really keen on the idea and it's quite dis-heartening, I've stopped bringing it up and I haven't mentioned it to anyone else since I got the negative responses.

My partner's family keep making comments like "I should wait until my step son is older as he already has a 1 year old brother at his mother's house and doesn't need 2 baby siblings".

And my best friend of 9 years lives a different lifestyle from me, she's never had a long-term partner, she's only just started working for the first time (I've worked full-time since 16). And she still lives with her parents. She keeps making patronising and condescending remarks such as "a baby is for life not just for Christmas" and "don't become one of those benefit Mum's who never work". I feel like these digs are because I'm her main friend and I won't be able to go for cocktails or be her wing-woman anymore. I expected more from her tbh.

Did anyone else get negative feedback like this? Did it stop once you conceived?

I just hoped other people would share in the excitement and I really hope their attitudes change if conception is successful and I'm particularly disappointed in my partners family's remarks. I'm not being hyper-sensitive right?

BeeFarseer Wed 20-Dec-17 02:20:38

Wow, you know some horrible people!

I think you made a mistake in telling them you're planning to ttc. It made them feel like they had a say when actually, it's none of their business.

I wouldn't mention it again, just carry on with your plans, and good luck.

SleepingStandingUp Wed 20-Dec-17 02:24:21

Agree with above. Stop talking about it, try when you're ready and announce when you feel happy to. Good luck x

Battleax Wed 20-Dec-17 02:27:19

Your "friend" is horrible and your ILs are a bit self involved. Live your life (and ditch the 'friend').

Sealsarewaterdogs Wed 20-Dec-17 02:41:54

Bee, I think you're right, I think they thought I was giving them a say or an opportunity to tell me when they think I should have a child.

Sleeping, Thank you for the support x

Battle, You might be right, I was a bit taken back by her response. Hopefully she'll change her tune. As soon as I'm pregnant, I'm going to try and reach out to other Mum's/Mum's -to-be and hopefully build a more supportive friendship group fsmile

Pannacott Wed 20-Dec-17 02:59:42

Mate, it's perfectly normal to talk about your life plans with friends and family, it's not your fault for thinking that they would be supportive! Sorry they've been arseholes.

Maybe get on the conception pages here and find some people who are also excited about ttc. This is a wonderful phase of your life to be in. It is joyous and fascinating to begin welcoming new life into your family smile

blackdoggotmytongue Wed 20-Dec-17 03:08:47

My nephews got two new siblings in a week, one at their mum’s house (baby sister) and one at their dad’s house (baby brother).
I’m not sure I’d be telling everyone I was trying to conceive though... <painfully British>

Sealsarewaterdogs Wed 20-Dec-17 03:17:21

Pannacotta, Thank you so much and I think I will! smile

Blackdog, Do you know how your nephew found that? & I did realise afterwards how trying to conceive sounds to your partner's family {Insert image of me and your grandson kanoodling} - Sorry about that, grandmother-in-law blush

AstridWhite Wed 20-Dec-17 03:36:37

I'm wondering if there is more to this because those reactions don't seem normal, given your ages and what you've said about your circumstances.

From your friend I can only see jealousy but I am bewildered why others including his family have made negative comments. It seems very odd. Do they have grounds to think it's bad timing or a bad idea generally? Has your relationship been rocky recently, or is his job very insecure?

Sealsarewaterdogs Wed 20-Dec-17 04:43:26

Astrid White No, we are financially secure, no change in our jobs/home life/relationship.

My partner has a strained relationship with his mother (who made the comments mentioned above). She's always dished out back-handed compliments, snide remarks and in general is quite passive aggressive but I genuinely thought she'd still be pleased about having a 2nd grandchild soon?

She makes out to my partner's sister and grandmother that my partner is "so un-loving to his own mother and when he doesn't speak to her, he's ruining her life and embarrassing her" and gets all melodramatic. We don't rise to it and defend my partner (as petty drama can be never ending) but I think it's put a little distance between his family. But not so much distance that I was expecting negative comments.

It's why I posted on here, I wondered if it was typical to not get such negative feedback when discussing trying for a baby. It's just very deflating and I do regret mentioning anything.

AstridWhite Wed 20-Dec-17 04:50:22

No, not typical at all, at least not without good reason to be concerned. confused

I'd just not mention it at all to anyone until it's a done deal. Good luck with TTC.

AstridWhite Wed 20-Dec-17 04:54:56

And if anyone who has been previously negative asks about it just be vague and say ' I am surprised you are interested, you were pretty negative when it was mentioned before....anyway, we've decided not to talk about it while there's nothing much to say. It's all just a vague idea at the moment.'

LolitaLempicka Wed 20-Dec-17 04:55:58

Why tell people? Tbh, if you were my friend and you had been working ft since you were 16, I would possibly be hesitant too, maybe she thinks you should live a little first? Get an education or go travelling?

Sealsarewaterdogs Wed 20-Dec-17 04:56:05

Astridwhite Yes, I'm not going to mention anything further until it's happened, hopefully they'll have something more encouraging to say hmm Thank you though smile

laudanum Wed 20-Dec-17 05:05:14

Tell them to bugger off - what miserable bunch of shitbags!

Sealsarewaterdogs Wed 20-Dec-17 05:16:10

Lolita With the friend, she wanted to make holiday plans for next summer, plan a big NY's night and I thought I'd explain how I wouldn't be available for alcohol related events next year. And also, I'm very excited and wanted to share haha.

It was over a relatives birthday dinner, my partners family member asked if we had any holiday plans for next year and I thought it was an appropriate time to bring up the fact we didn't as we had baby plans instead. My Mum cried with happiness when I told her, I just thought my partner's family would be as pleased.

I have a Bachelor's degree and I go abroad at least once a year. But I get what you're saying, the same friend was perplexed I'd chose to be a step mum (understandably). But although we live contrast lifestyles, I always thought I had her support. She doesn't have any other "main" friends and I think she's just anxious about losing cocktail partner/wing-woman. I thought she'd come around and show support but perhaps when I do conceive, she might be more encouraging.

Battleax Wed 20-Dec-17 05:21:01

She's always dished out back-handed compliments, snide remarks and in general is quite passive aggressive but I genuinely thought she'd still be pleased about having a 2nd grandchild soon?

That makes sense. It's a certain personality type. A poisonous one. Ignoring is the best policy, honestly. But if you're going to be with this man, don't underestimate her or relax around her. Just keep a distance policy.

Bubblebubblepop Wed 20-Dec-17 05:26:42

I never told anyone I was TTC. Strange reactions thou, I wouldn't really have expected anyone to be interested

Girlgoneglobal Wed 20-Dec-17 05:27:25

I'm sorry you had that reaction. It's nobody's business but your own (at least for the moment).....

But I will share a real-life situation. A colleague of mine got pregnant with her partner, who has a child (similar age and arrangements to yours) from a previous relationship, at the same time the child's biological Mum was pregnant. The child went from being number one in four adults' eyes to effectively number three. It caused an enormous amount of shock and heartache when the child was difficult throughout pregnancy and early years. It's still not resolved. So perhaps your in-laws are just a bit worried about their existing grandchild.

But I wish you luck and I hope news of your pregnancy is received with the joy and excitement it deserves!

AstridWhite Wed 20-Dec-17 05:31:48

Bubble neither did I and I don't think it would be normal to make some sort of announcement that you were going to TTC next year, and expect some sort of fanfare, that would be odd.

But I think, in the course of normal conversation with your own parents and your best friend, it should be fine to talk about your long term goals and plans, especially if there are other things going on next year that make mentioning it relevant, such as job changes, planned holidays, family weddings, house moves etc. It's fine to talk about baby plans in general terms to those who know you well.

Bubblebubblepop Wed 20-Dec-17 05:40:16

Well of course it's fine.

Hmmalittlefishy Wed 20-Dec-17 05:43:32

Could your friend be upset that you seem to be wanting to cancel plans for next year when you aren't even pregnant yet?
She may be more understanding when you actually are pregnant but, and I don't mean to be negative, it could take years of ttc and you can't put your life, and hers, on hold by not making plans 'just in case'
Your mil just sounds very negative but perhaps it was an odd reaction to an overshare or just she is not very kind ?

Greenshoots1 Wed 20-Dec-17 05:46:07

don't tell people you are trying to conceive.

Sealsarewaterdogs Wed 20-Dec-17 05:56:19

Battle That's good advice, I try to let any strange comments or odd behaviour go over my head in general from her. But it's good to be wary and apprehensive about any future digs when I do have a child.

Bubble & Astrid My step son is the only other young person in both our immediate families, I just thought they'd be as excited as I was. But in hindsight, it was probably best left to just sharing with my Mum tbh. Although my Mum probably could have been spared the idea of me and my partner TTC hmm haha.

Girlgone I do understand any worries, I just felt like I'd waited an appropriate amount of time, we have a very strong relationship with the son and his other sibling will be 2+ if I do manage to conceive and have a baby next year. It's always good to keep it in mind however and I do appreciate hearing about other people's experiences in similar situation. I'll try and make it so my DSS still feels as important every weekend.

Thanks to everyone for the support and advice smile

Sealsarewaterdogs Wed 20-Dec-17 05:57:21

Green I think I've learnt my lesson, if there's ever a next time of pre-planning to TTC. I don't think I'll be mentioning anything!