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Teenage boy and request to have 'not girlfriend' in room -

(80 Posts)
Whippetwalker Wed 20-Dec-17 00:46:31

15 yo Ds seems to have started first relationship although says 'she's not my girlfriend'. Invited her round twice (she is also 15) but she would barely look at any of the family, despite effort to make her feel welcome(l appreciate this can be daunting). Dd of 11 said 'she won't even acknowledge my existence'. He only seems to have known her for a couple of weeks and has now asked why we have said she isn't allowed in his room with the door shut. Together they seem awkward and communication is stilted. Two mutual friends seem to have paired them up. He suggested that rather than going to the cinema with her and other family that the family go and leave them at home! I am concerned that (reading between the lines) there isn't enough there to support this relationship 'going upstairs'! Ds is resentful and has just said 'l can go in her bedroom' !. I want to support emotionally healthy relationships for both of them but all they seem to want to do is sit in a dark room 'watching tv'. Feels awkward. Advice please, first teenager! Thanks.

CheapSausagesAndSpam Wed 20-Dec-17 00:50:40

It's so normal to be unable to speak at that age. You're right not to allow closed doors though and I'd be wary of him going to hers if that really is allowed there.

It's probably time to speak to him about contraception.

but as for the awkwardness that's normal.

RedPandaMama Wed 20-Dec-17 00:51:17

I'd probably assume his requests aren't all innocent, but wouldn't you rather have the safe sex chat and explain about consent etc and have them doing things under your roof than elsewhere?

I was brought up extremely sheltered as were my friends so as soon as we had a hint of freedom at 14 we were off doing god knows what with boys from school in the woods or at their houses because our parents wouldn't even let them in the door of ours. They were naive and thought if it wasn't under their roof it wasn't happening.

Tessliketrees Wed 20-Dec-17 00:51:31

My DS who is 16 has just asked can he invite his GF to sit in his room. I said yes but that I withheld the right to mercilessly piss take.

He hasn't bothered to bring her round yet.

When he does I will let them close the door but will spot check them.

Sealsarewaterdogs Wed 20-Dec-17 01:04:01

In great detail and explanation highlight condoms are a MUST if anything happens, you're not accusing him but just in case anything at any time happens. Condoms must be worn Then show him some child birth videos and explain how a baby will ruin his life. Really re-iterate it as teenage boys can very easily forget this in the heat of the moment.

Then give him privacy, weather it's his girlfriend by title yet or not or he wants to disclose this or not. Don't judge her so harshly too, the best step from here is to be as welcoming as possible regardless of her being shy. The better relationship you have with her, the better relationship you'll have with your son.

Charolais Wed 20-Dec-17 01:53:28

Sealsarewaterdogs I would be concerned your approach to this would be considered 'Contributing to the Delinquency of a Minor’.

I have raised teenage boys and my approach was to tell them to keep their hands to themselves until they are adults. Imagine if this girl was your child and some boy's parents were telling their son, behind your back, how to have safe sex with her.

Laserbird16 Wed 20-Dec-17 02:17:23

Girls inside, doors open wide, nothing to hide! Then also have a chat about consent, safe sex etc. maybe there is nothing sexual between them in which case you're just having a good chat about life in general

lalalalyra Wed 20-Dec-17 02:19:05

Telling teenagers to keep their hands to themselves doesn't always work. My twin DDs (14) have had the contraception talk in exactly the same way their older brother did.

Sex isn't always planned, and sex they are told not to have sometimes happens anyway, so they need to know how to be safe, they need to know the myths that are myths (sex standing up, can't get pregnant first time, it's ok as long as he pulls out etc) and they need to know how to access contraception (and emergency contraception) if they, or one of their friends, need it. There are condoms in a box in our bathroom and it's topped up as and when in the exact same way that the sanpro is.

Even their friends can be stilted and awkward sometimes - that's a teenage thing.

TheFrendo Wed 20-Dec-17 02:42:42

We have a fairly Scandinavian approach. Son is 16 and in first year of A levels, as is girlfriend. They stay over in each other's houses once or twice a week. Sometimes on a school night. Both talk to adults.

Sealsarewaterdogs Wed 20-Dec-17 03:11:30

Charolais I live in South London, under-age pregnancy is a huge thing. Nobody speaks about safe sex out of fear that they're encouraging a minor to engage in sexual activities.

Me and my friends began having sex behind our parents back at 14 (not that they know that). You don't really know what your sons are up to when they're not with you and encouraging them to practice safe sex isn't encouraging sexual behaviour, it's helping keep them safe from STI'S/Pregnancy.

Many of my friends had abortions in their early teens, many of the girls in my area had under-age pregnancies.

It happens, why pretend like it doesn't?! - Have the safe-sex conversations with your sons as soon as they start showing an interest in girls and wanting to have "alone time" with them

XmasSteamTrainRealAleOpenFires Wed 20-Dec-17 03:42:49

Then show him some child birth videos and explain how a baby will "ruin" his life.

So It's ok to "RUIN" the Girl's life then? hmm

lalalalyra Wed 20-Dec-17 03:56:53

So It's ok to "RUIN" the Girl's life then? hmm

How on earth is educating a boy in safe sex, and putting him off the realities of what being a father would mean, saying it's ok to ruin a girls life?

Surely other parents of girls also explain how a baby at a young age would "ruin" their lives?

FullOfXmasCheerOfCourse Wed 20-Dec-17 04:06:34

Surely other parents of girls also explain how a baby at a young age would "ruin" their lives?

No, I explained to Dd that I'd be able to look after a baby if she ever got pregnant, she found that idea so terrible and said she'd be careful not to get pregnant. She wasn't active anyway at that point.

CAAKE Wed 20-Dec-17 04:35:11

If they are shagging they'll find a way to shag whatever rules you have in place in your house. I'd probably not allow sleepovers at 15 but would allow them in the room after you were satisfied they'd both had the safe sex talk. Do you know her parents? Maybe it would be a good idea to get in touch to see what their boundaries/wishes are?

Insomnibrat Wed 20-Dec-17 04:42:12

My Mum took such pains to force upon me that a baby would ruin my life that I'm now 36 and childless, in no small way because I feel guilt and shame about becoming pregnant, like its something very bad. Something 'dirty'.

Be careful with this line.

claraschu Wed 20-Dec-17 05:09:48

I think it is important to make sure that boys understand that once a girl is pregnant, a boy has NO say into whether she has an abortion or not. A girl may say ahead of time that if they have an accident she will have an abortion, and then she might change her mind. The boy will be unable to influence her decision.

I think a lot of teenage boys (and grown men) have not really come to terms with this.

nooka Wed 20-Dec-17 05:15:56

I told ds at a similar age that should he be careless and as a result a girl became pregnant with his child he would have no influence as to whether that pregnancy resulted in a baby and would then be responsible for that child for life. He told me he'd never have sex! He hasn't had any romantic relationships yet that we know of.

I talked to dd about possible consequences of unsafe sex, discussed how difficult abortions were to get in our town at the time and I also put information about where to get the MAP on our fridge. I notice that dd's friends all look at it (ds's friends don't visit so much).

I allowed dd to have her girlfriend in her room at 15 although I knew they were fairly sexually active. She didn't stay the night as she wasn't very friendly so we didn't know her very well. Plus they'd not been together very long before they broke up. Easier with gay relationships perhaps as you don't have the worry of pregnancy to consider.

overnightangel Wed 20-Dec-17 05:23:03

“I want to support emotionally healthy relationships for both of them but all they seem to want to do is sit in a dark room 'watching tv”

Were you never a teenager?!!

Charolais Wed 20-Dec-17 06:02:56

Sealsarewaterdogs I live in a rural conservative part of the United States. There are NO under-age pregnancies in our area. Not one. Our local kids ALL graduate from high school and many get university degrees. Obviously we are raising our children differently than you are in South London and maybe you could learn something from how we do things here.

I have two sons, aged 29 and 42 years old who are good decent men.

Besides supplying your sons' with condoms, you need to consult with the parent's of the underage girls.

PerfumeIsAMessage Wed 20-Dec-17 06:24:28

This has to win the prize for the anecdotal extrapolation with little or no relevance to what the OP is asking prize!

OP- the girl probably feels overwhelmed when faced with the family, however kind you are being. And not many 16 yr olds have much to say to 11 yr olds, especially when they've just met them.

The whole bringing her to the house thing is pretty full on tbh, and she may well be thinking wooooooah. Far more normal for them to get to know each other and do a bit of snogging down the precinct before meeting the family.

Obviously your son will know about safe sex, and so will she. Otherwise both lots of parents and society in general has failed them.

Charolais, unless you live in a town with precisely 4 young adults in it, all of whom you gave birth to yourself, you cannot possibly know that what you are saying is true so give over.

And those of us in the UK see plenty of shock docs about the sexual goings on among US teens, so stop with the patronising.

Gaelach Wed 20-Dec-17 06:30:35

charolais yep, rural conservative USA is what we should all aspire to.... hmm

There are probably plenty of under-age pregnancies, there is absolutely no way you have access to that information. I imagine unwanted under-age pregnancies end in termination without your expressed judgemental scrutiny.

AnnieAnoniMouse Wed 20-Dec-17 06:51:31

They’re welcome to go into the bedroom, but they’re not allowed to shut the door. Yes, I was 15 once and this rule at home didn’t stop me messing around with my boyfriend but it definitely got in the way enough to slow things down. Especially in winter!

What other people choose to do is up to them, obviously, but personally I think that allowing them to close the door and have their bf/gf sleep over gives the impression that it’s ok to be having sex so young & ok to be getting so serious so young. I don’t think it is, so I wouldn’t give them that impression.

tumblrpigeon Wed 20-Dec-17 07:07:32

Charolais could you educate us on how you do things there, resulting in NO teenage pregnancies ?

HotelEuphoria Wed 20-Dec-17 07:11:35

Charolais

Hilarious.

Sensimilla Wed 20-Dec-17 07:18:21

Teenage pregnancy doesnt 'ruin your life'; attainment has been shown to be the same in teenage mums by 30 years old. And this would likely be the case for children of thr very large majority of MN users. It can make it a damn site harder for a while though